Me and the DMV

My Beef This Week

So today I had to do something I have been putting off for over a year now. I had to go to the DMV. I moved from another state and have been sporting my out-of-state license hoping not to get caught. I decided after a year I was pressing my luck and needed to go.

Every time I have to do something like this (post office, court house, any government office), I am reminded of why I spent so long in school. No wonder the term "postal" was coined. Jesus. If I would have had a pocket knife I would have slit my wrists.

I waited 2 hours, TWO HOURS, in line. I sat next to an old Spanish woman who had cataracts that I could see from 2 feet away (which leads me to wonder why she was there to get a DRIVER'S LICENSE) and a middle-aged bald man that smelled bad and kept talking to my breasts.

After it was finally my turn in line I was told that I needed my Social Security Card. Now being the Girl Scout that I am, I had called ahead and inquired as to the paperwork I needed. I had to get my car inspected (done), get my car registered (done), and bring that paperwork, my old license, and ten bucks to the DMV. There was no mention of a Social Security Card.

I calmly explained that to the bored clerk behind the bench that would accommodate 10 people, but only held 2 workers. She told me I would have to come back.

I looked at the line that I had just stood in for an eternity. It was over twice as long as when I had come in. I thought about what items I had in my purse that could be used as weapons. I could throttle her with the cord from my iPOD headphones, but I thought the cop at the door would get to me before I could finish the job.

Luckily, I had gotten the name of the person on the phone that gave me the false information, we'll call her Jane to protect the innocent. She happened to be there, but was at lunch. I highly recommended we summon Jane to Bianca, the bored DMV worker. Bianca could apparently see in my eyes that I would likely maim her if she did not comply. Jane was summoned and told Bianca that it was true that I didn't need my Social Security Card since I had been a resident before and had shown it then. Bianca disagreed. Police officer at the door was called in for a tie breaker.

I batted my eyelashes. He voted for me.

Crisis averted. Bianca got to live.

People are always quoting statistics about people shooting up post offices or office buildings, and the shooters are predominantly male. Science thinks this is because of genetics and testosterone. I used to subscribe to that theory, but after today I have a new one. Maybe guys just don't get to flirt themselves out of situations before it gets postal. Because I'm telling you that Bianca was going down before Officer manly stepped in.

So everyone out there, make sure to bring a big book and all the proper paperwork next time you have to visit the DMV. Me? I've got to figure out how to hide all the weapons I need in my purse. I've got jury duty next week.